Funny thing . . . on the surface, society and God both tell us the same thing:
"You can't possibly measure up."
Society-- through media like television, music, movies, print, and digital-- tells us we can't measure up to its standards. Through these different outlets, society has set the standard for perfection: the perfect life, perfect family, perfect job, perfect body, etc. Society keeps sending us the message that we aren't good enough. "You're not rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, popular enough, etc." Society looks on us with disdain, disapproval, even disgust, and we can get caught up in a restless, ceaseless struggle for unattainable perfection.
In a way, God says we can't measure up, too-- that is, we can't merit salvation on our own (CCC 2007). We need His grace just to come to faith in Him, and even that faith is a gift we are given freely by a God who looks at us as we are, takes us as we are, and loves us as we are. After all, He created us! This is an incredibly different outcome of what seems to be a similar message on the surface.
When it comes to my own children and my students, I'm going to do my best to help them learn not to worry about failing to measure up to society's impossible standards. I want my children and students to know that:
- God accepts them, loves them, and died for them, making their salvation possible.
- Even though they couldn't earn this gift on their own, it's attainable.
- With God there's no need to struggle. No seeking perfection through 10 easy steps found in the latest People Magazine or Facebook post.
I want my students to know that with God, they don't need to worry about not measuring up because He doesn't look at what they're lacking. He only sees children He loves so much that He sent His Son to die so that He would not to have to spend eternity without them.
Come to think of it, I could stand to hear that more often myself. How about you?
Photo credit: Sepehr Ehsani via photopin cc
I'd like to riff off Dr. Maxwell's now famous quote, meant for teachers, for the purpose of relating an idea that I admit to finding difficult to accept at times:
Our calling is parent the children God gave us. Not the children we would like to have. Not the children we were when we were little. The children we have right now.
Perfect Children
My kids aren't perfect.
Yes, they make messes everywhere. (I actually cleaned spaghetti sauce off the ceiling once . . . and before you ask, I have no idea.)
They whine. ("Shall I call the 'waaaaaambulance' for you?")
They fight. (I swear there are two cushions on the couch, but they both seem to see only one . . . and each must possess it.)
Ironically, Sunday Mass seems to bring out the worst in them. (I wrote about this in more detail here.)
And yet, my kids are small-- my youngest only about to turn two. I'm not complaining. These misbehaviors are normal, routine, and entirely understandable.
So, why do I sometimes wish they behaved even better? I believe it's because I've fallen into the trap of wanting to parent the children I wish I had, and not the children I actually have.
To use the classroom metaphor, it is ineffective for a teacher to approach his or her class with the expectation that the students will "be" precisely what he or she expects them to be, sight unseen. Teachers can't direct and orient their teaching to the "ideal" student or to past students. They must adapt to and address the needs of the students sitting before them at the moment.
The same goes for those of us parenting imperfect children. (Yeah . . . that's all of us.) We can lament the fact that they don't behave a certain way, or that they aren't as good as we were when we were kids (or as good as a brother/sister). Ultimately, this does our children no good, and it creates a harsh environment for learning and growing.
I'm not suggesting we do away with standards of behavior and accept misbehavior as the norm, just like I wouldn't suggest that a teacher forget the subject area standards or codes of conduct. What I am suggesting is that we focus less on the "wishes" and "wants," and more on embracing the children God gave us, faults and all. Their flaws are opportunities for growth. Their sins are doors to God's grace.
The fact is, I love my kids more than my own life. I owe it to them to parent the children God gave me.
Image: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BbE55bzIAAESgJD.jpg
When struggle, battle & sacrifice are demanded the majority complain & clamor for going back to Egypt or spiritual slavery.-- Fulton Sheen
Archbishop Fulton Sheen points out how some people don't respond well to struggles and challenges. He compared us to the Israelites in the Old Testament, who when confronted with the prospect of dying in the desert, groaned and complained to Moses that they were "better off" in Egypt as pharaoh's slaves.
Parents and teachers might say they've heard similar groaning and complaining from their children and students, who back away when confronted with a challenge. Kids attempt all kinds of excuses--
"I can't do it."
"I'm no good at this."
"I'll never get it done."
"I'll never pass this test."
"Everyone else is better than me."
"It's too hard for me."
It's easier to fall back on old excuses and to live under the tyranny of past failures than it is to rise up to the challenge and overcome it. (I believe sometimes we adults do the same thing!) But how do we assist our children and students in overcoming this negative attitude?
As with all things, it helps to start by casting the problem in a spiritual light. Start with prayer. Say, "Let's take a second to ask God to be a part of this challenge. With his power supporting you, anything is possible!" (Phil. 4:13)
Then, remind the child of the different ways God has provided for him or her in the past. Cite examples of God's goodness and care in the child's life.
Realize that lack of perseverance and an unwillingness to try are vices for which fortitude, the virtue that "strengthens the resolve to . . . overcome obstacles in the moral life" (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1808), is the answer. Assist the child in breaking the task into smaller, more achievable steps. Remember to thank God at each small success, as you build the child's sense of competency upon the foundation of his or her creation in God's image.
Photo credit: Lawrence OP via photopin cc
After 15 years at St. Pius V, I've seen almost 900 young people graduate. I've been closely involved with their successes and their struggles. Observation of so many students has led me to the conclusion that one key to a child's success in school (and life) is perseverance.
I Can't!
At the Back-to-School Night parent meeting, my son's kindergarten teacher announced that a student asking for help with shoe-tying anytime after Christmas would be gently encouraged to complete the task on his or her own. In other words, as easy as Velcro is for my son (and by extension, his parents), it's time for my boy to man up and learn how to tie his shoes.
Unfortunately, his patience is almost nonexistent. Within a minute of trying to make the initial loop, he gives up. When encouraged to continue, he breaks into tears, and claims, "I CAN'T!"
He is no different that so many students I've seen over the years-- whether it be shoe-tying, prepositional phrases, or algebra. The goal is to see if an adult will rush to the rescue. After all, it's easier to get dad to tie the shoes than to learn to do it on his own. What kids often lack is perseverance.
During childhood, the struggles requiring perseverance are often small: learning to tie shoes, dealing with an unkind student on the playground, or working through the multiplication tables. As adults, the struggles are deeper and more difficult.
I CAN!
I've seen adults suffering through cancer who persevere without complaint and without neglecting their responsibilities, believing that they'll beat the disease as long as they don't give up. I've seen adults struggling with the loss of a job who don't lose faith, trusting that they'll find something new as long as they keep trying. I've seen adults experiencing family problems who find the strength to bring their trials to prayer day in and day out, never ceasing to believe that their prayers will be answered.
Personally, I greatly admire people who have the ability to persevere through a struggle. This is a quality I want my children and students to have, since I know their lives will entail some kind of struggle.
Teaching Perseverance
For children to learn perseverance, then, requires that children experience struggle and difficulty on a small scale. Learning to carry her own backpack, or to tie his shoes, or to memorize the multiplication tables, or even learning to deal with an unkind student on the playground-- these are necessary "classrooms" for the lessons of perseverance.
What is required of parents and teachers who desire their children/students to learn never to give up in the face of difficulty?
- Patience: It will take time to break children of the "I Can't!" habit.
- Wisdom: Take the long view on the child's present struggles. Rushing to the rescue only stunts the child's growth.
- Leadership: Break the task at hand into smaller, more manageable chunks. Say, "Today we're just going to try to make the first loop with your shoelaces and get really good at it! Maybe tomorrow we can try the next one."
- Prayer: Often forgotten, but most important, prayer should be our first tactic when trying to help our children. Perseverance is closely linked to the virtue of fortitude, which is "firmness in difficulties and constancy in the pursuit of the good." (CCC, 1808) Virtues are gifts of the Holy Spirit, and that means prayer is our best hope.
