That's my goal-- whether it be at home as a parent, or at my school as an educator. This is where I share my ups and downs, along with other reflections.
As I sit at my kitchen table composing this blog, something resembling a miniature human being (left) with a familiar face is sitting in a high chair next to me yelling, giggling, and gurgling "AhhhDadadadada!" Of course, the only logical explanation is that extra-terrestrials exist and they've invaded my home. Yes, I typed "logical."
After all, she can't be my daughter (left). My daughter was just born in February. My beautiful baby girl was only a little longer than my forearm. I could carry her like a football! She could occasionally muster up a blood-curdling scream, but she spent most of her time sleeping, blinking, soiling diapers, and such. At some point, this E.T. must have transported into the kids' bedroom in the middle of the night, replacing my little infant. (They took her brother years ago.) This creature that now lives in our home and masquerades as our daughter is over three times the weight and twice the length of my missing infant! It holds its own bottle, eats at the table with the rest of the family, pulls itself up on its knees to look over the side of its crib, and has two teeth jutting from its lower jaw. It Happens So Fast As a parent I don't have to tell you twice. Tempting as it is to go with the space alien/E.T. excuse (how else to justify their behavior sometimes?), they really do grow up that fast. So no matter how much we think about it, pray about, read blogs and books about it-- the fact that it happens so fast means that an essential ingredient in growing faith-filled kids is letting go and entrusting them to our Lord (who is beyond time . . . In other words, He can keep up with them). Now go hug your space alien, tell 'em you love 'em, and while you're at it, tell them that God loves them, too. Have a great week. God Bless!
About six years ago, a certain type of weed began to crop up in my backyard. I didn't think too much about it at first. After all, there were only a few scattered throughout my lawn. At first I just mowed it with the rest of the grass and moved on to other weekend pursuits. I didn't want to take the extra time to do what was necessary to remove the weeds. As the season passed into summer, the weed seemed to disappear, and I believed the problem to be resolved. The following year, that same weed came back . . . with a vengeance. Obviously, it hadn't gone away by itself but had actually been seeding and preparing to grow again when the weather turned warm and the soil moist. Ignoring it and just mowing over it like last year was not going to work. That approach had done nothing to rid my yard of the intruder. In fact, ignoring it like that had actually given the weed an opportunity to spread. My first attempt at removing it was unsuccessful-- I grabbed at the stem and pulled. Little did I realize that the base of the stems remained firmly implanted in my lawn, so within three days, the weeds had grown back. Apparently, I'd have to go after the roots. After digging down to the roots I discovered something amazing. This seemingly harmless weed had been able to infiltrate my entire lawn by shooting out stems (rhizomes, for you science-types . . . I did the research) sideways underground that then sprouted another weed a few inches away and created a subterranean network that required extensive work to remove. By now, you are probably questioning my gardening skills (as well you should). I'm no green thumb. I was never one for spending too much time in the yard, and I definitely learned a lesson the hard way about tending my garden. However, my gardening failure resulted in a spiritual insight: just as natural gardens require constant, regular attention to prevent them from becoming overrun by weeds, our "spiritual garden"-- our soul-- requires similar consistent, vigilant attention to keep them from being overrun by sin. The Garden of Our Souls Just like those few, untended weeds spread throughout my yard and almost ruined it, a single harsh thought not combated can grow and spread through our consciousness like a subterranean network of weeds. As the familiar saying, normally attributed to Charles Reade, goes: "We sow a thought and reap an act; We sow an act and reap a habit; We sow a habit and reap a character; We sow a character and reap a destiny." That's why this warning is issued in the Book of Proverbs: "With all vigilance guard your heart, for in it are the sources of life."(4:23) Good advice for us as adults, but also a great guideline in growing faith-filled kids. Tending Our Children's Souls We parents and teachers can start by modeling this kind of behavior for our kids. Perhaps this means doing our best to control our temper, to refrain from saying angry words in front of our children/students, to forgive or ask forgiveness when necessary, or to be respectful toward authority. We can then actively seek to develop vigilance within our children or students. Simply put, this means attempting to make them mindful of the spiritual implications of their daily actions. For instance, we can take the opportunity when a child has spoken out in anger to remind the child (if old enough) of a time when an angry word led to a fight with a friend or sibling. In nightly prayer (or at the end of each school day), we can guide the child in a simple examination of conscience:
What did I say or do today that hurt someone's feelings?
How did I not follow my parents' (or teachers') directions?
Did I have any angry thoughts about someone today?
How can I show that person my love/forgiveness?
Vigilance against spiritual "weeds" like anger, dishonesty, or hurtfulness is a necessary part of living a life of faithfulness to God.
Children have never been good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. -- James Baldwin
The Secret
In my experience, growing faith-filled kids starts with us. Being a faith-filled parent or teacher ourselves gives us a better chance at raising faith-filled kids.
Think of it this way: I couldn't possibly teach someone to pilot an airplane. I'm not a pilot. I couldn't train someone as an opera singer. Anyone who knows me knows that I can't carry a tune with a bucket! Even if I could, it would take a lifetime of study to be able to teach someone else the art of opera.
Therefore, to grow faith-filled kids we need to be experienced and knowledgeable in the ways of our faith.
Now don't panic yet! There is good news in all of this!
The Good News
First, God does much of the work for us, through the gift of the Holy Spirit. If I had to train an opera singer, I'd be out of luck. The Holy Spirit is not going to gift me with knowledge of opera singing! On the other hand, the Holy Spirit has gifted us with faith, and the Spirit strengthens that faith when we pray.
Second, we're not just talking about head knowledge of faith, which can take time to learn. Our faith in Christ has an important, personal, heart component that each and every one of us is ready to share right now. Each of us knows how Christ has moved in our lives-- through a conversion of heart, through a special loved one's example of faith, through a difficult illness or loss, through blessings-- this personal experience of Christ's love is how God stepped into each of our lives. No one knows the story better, and no one can share it and the feelings that go along with it better!
Third, since so much of faith is the human response to the movement of God inside of us (Catechism of the Catholic Church 166)-- each of us can be learning more about our faith while we are sharing our story with our children/students.
In fact, our timing is perfect! The pope recently declared this the "Year of Faith." (See my recent post here..) This year is a great opportunity to grow in knowledge of the faith we profess, so that we can better share it with our children.
To be sure, there is much more that goes into raising faith-filled kids, but this is an important starting point. Wherever you are right now in your personal faith journey, you have everything you need to begin! Photo credit: Pink Sherbet Photography via photopincc
Through his suffering, my servant shall justify many. (Is. 53:10) For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses,but one who has similarly been tested in every way. (Heb. 4:15) Rather, whoever wishes to be great among you will be your servant;whoever wishes to be first among you will be the slave of all. (Mk. 10:43) Suffering is the central idea in this Sunday's readings. More than one Catholic sitting in Mass this weekend may have thought, "Wait a minute . . . isn't being a Catholic Christian about joy, peace, and other warm, fuzzy feelings?" Didn't See That Coming Here at the beginning of the Year of Faith, we believers are confronted with the reality of the Christian life: that Christ calls us not only to live a life of suffering, but also to make use of that suffering. Christ himself is referred to as the "suffering servant" in Isaiah, and our redemption was gained through his suffering and death on the cross. Many of the apostles suffered and were martyred, and lots of saints earned the title through heroic suffering in the name of God. Along those lines, a few weeks ago I wrote about suffering and its power to shape us into the people God desires us to be. (Don't Give Up) Time for Reflection If we're going to grow faith-filled kids, this is one big, important aspect of being a believer that we'd better get straight right from the start! Consider taking some time to reflect on your own suffering, and how you respond to it in your life. (If there's one thing of which I'm certain, it's that anyone reading this is suffering . . . you're human, after all.) What is causing your suffering? How have you responded to it in the past? If you haven't already done so, can you offer it to Christ? Like my elementary school principal, Sister Marianita used to say, "Offer it up!" As for the warm, fuzzy feelings . . . it's not hopeless. By making use of our suffering and drawing closer to Christ, we experience a deeper joy than anything we could have found without Him. And that, my friends, is what will translate to our children and students, setting them on fire with faith in a God who can transform suffering into joy. God Bless You! Photo credit: Christopher JL via photopincc
When struggle, battle & sacrifice are demanded the majority complain & clamor for going back to Egypt or spiritual slavery.-- Fulton Sheen Archbishop Fulton Sheen points out how some people don't respond well to struggles and challenges. He compared us to the Israelites in the Old Testament, who when confronted with the prospect of dying in the desert, groaned and complained to Moses that they were "better off" in Egypt as pharaoh's slaves. Parents and teachers might say they've heard similar groaning and complaining from their children and students, who back away when confronted with a challenge. Kids attempt all kindsof excuses-- "I can't do it." "I'm no good at this." "I'll never get it done." "I'll never pass this test." "Everyone else is better than me." "It's too hard for me." It's easier to fall back on old excuses and to live under the tyranny of past failures than it is to rise up to the challenge and overcome it. (I believe sometimes we adults do the same thing!) But how do we assist our children and students in overcoming this negative attitude? As with all things, it helps to start by casting the problem in a spiritual light. Start with prayer. Say, "Let's take a second to ask God to be a part of this challenge. With his power supporting you, anything is possible!" (Phil. 4:13) Then, remind the child of the different ways God has provided for him or her in the past. Cite examples of God's goodness and care in the child's life. Realize that lack of perseverance and an unwillingness to try are vices for which fortitude, the virtue that "strengthens the resolve to . . . overcome obstacles in the moral life" (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1808), is the answer. Assist the child in breaking the task into smaller, more achievable steps. Remember to thank God at each small success, as you build the child's sense of competency upon the foundation of his or her creation in God's image.
Something BIG is happening in our Church. Not just our parish church, but in our global Church. In his apostolic letter Porta Fidei, Pope Benedict XVI announced that October 11, 2012 to November 24, 2013 would be the "Year of Faith." This kind of thing doesn't happen very often, so it's a great opportunity for all of us! Beginning this Thursday, we have a chance to make the faith we profess an even greater reality in our lives, and in the lives of our children and/or students. There are many ways to grow in faith, but one of the most important is to use the intellect that God gave us to learn more about our beliefs. The pope has encouraged us to open the "door of faith" by praying, reading, and studying our faith more in the upcoming year. The bishops of the United States suggest two very important activities for the Year of Faith: reading the Catechism of the Catholic Churchand studying the documents of Vatican II. You also can find more about the Year of Faith here: Year of Faith website (Vatican) Year of Faith website (U.S.C.C.B.) Read the Catechism in a Year Year of Faith Resources
Don't give up. Difficult times make you stronger. Enduring hardships builds character. Like gold that is tested in fire, afflictions purify you. The struggles of life shape you into the person God wants you to be.
Sound familiar? Life's hard times have an enormous impact on us. Our suffering draws us closer to God by stripping away our selfishness and by teaching us to lean fully on God's grace instead of our own strength. In other words, our trials form us in God's image.
I know my own children and the students I teach will face difficulties in their lives (indeed, some already have). What they will need is the virtue of fortitude, or "firmness in difficulties and constancy in pursuit of the good" (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1808) which strengthens us, and helps us stand firm when life gets tough.
How can our children acquire this virtue, especially when the last thing any of us would want is for them to suffer? One thing I've found incredibly helpful with young people is to build their character through the small experiences that come up each day. For instance, having consequences for poor behavior and lovingly following through on those consequences builds the child's resilience. Allowing a child to face the consequences of his or her choices can also boost a child's perseverance, if the adult acts with patience and love. When a child doesn't make the team or misses first place, it's an opportunity for him or her to learn perseverance I sympathize with the desire to shield kids from consequences. I have a five year-old, and it's hard for me to knowingly allow him to choose a path I know he might end up regretting, no matter how small the disappointment might actually be. However, he will never develop the virtue of fortitude if I shield him from even the small hardships and disappointments of life. Those disappointments will become the building blocks of virtuous behavior later in life Photo credit: bernat... via photopincc
Just a short post this week to clarify a point that should have been made prior to setting off on a discussion of the "Keys to Your Child's Success" a few weeks back . . . After posting two different references to the "Marshmallow Test" last week, the realization dawned on me that the type of success that at least one of the videos refers to-- material success-- is not necessarily the type of success to which I refer in the posts on this blog. Definitely, my goal is for my children and students to develop their intellects and be able to use them both for the good of our world and in support of their own material needs. I haven't run into a single person who doesn't desire this kind of "success" for his or her child. Make No Mistake However, I would never want to be mistaken for having material wealth serve as the only definition of "success" written about in the posts on this blog. When I speak of success, please think more along the lines of the Baltimore Catechism than People Magazine. In my book, a child who ends up succeeding is the one who is able to "know, love, and serve God in this world" (BC #4 & Mt. 6:19-20). For more on this, please see my previous post, "Why I Send My Child to a Catholic School." Photo credit: marcelo-moltedo: " En el pais de los sueños... via photo pincc
I have been focusing lately on the keys to your child's success. By now it's clear where I stand: Your child's future success is directly related to their training in the virtues. One of my favorite indicators of this truth is the infamous "Marshmallow Study."
What Was the "Marshmallow Study"?
In the early 1970's at Stanford University, psychologist Walter Mischel created a simple test: place a four, five, or six-year old in a room with a marshmallow and tell him he'd receive another marshmallow if he didn't eat the one until Dr. Mischel returned 15 minutes later. Recently, Dr. David Walsh reproduced this experiment for a news program, and Joachim de Posada did the same in Colombia. The videos are quite funny and can be seen here:
What the Marshmallow Study Tells Us About Success
As Dr. Walsh says, the true genius of the study was to follow up on the kids once they reached their early 20's to determine if there was any correlation between their ability to defer the immediate gratification of eating one marshmallow in order to get two, and their future success. The results of the experiment clearly showed a link. The children who were able to defer or delay their desires to obtain an even greater reward ended up being far more successful than those who were not able, with only a few exceptions on each side.
This makes sense logically. If someone is constantly seeking his or her own gratification and pleasure, how can that person make any progress toward a goal, especially if achieving that goal involves unpleasant circumstances, hard work, or difficult tasks?
The Marshmallow Study and the Spiritual Life
The Marshmallow Study therefore reveals what is actually a spiritual principle and truth about the virtue of fortitude. According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, #1808, fortitude "strengthens the resolve to resist temptations and to overcome obstacles in the moral life." As the Marshmallow Study showed, those who learn at an early age to defer their own pleasure in order to achieve a greater good are later able to apply that ability to the challenges of the adult life, and by extension, the spiritual life.
Keep in mind, our society is not geared toward learning to defer gratification. In fact, our society says very emphatically, "Eat the marshmallow! Eat it NOW! Don't wait! You deserve the marshmallow! Who knows if you'll even be around in 15 minutes! Doesn't the marshmallow look delicious? Everyone else is eating their marshmallow . . . you should eat yours now, too!"
Don't Be a Spiritual Marshmallow
As parents and teachers, it's our job to train our children and students in the virtue of fortitude; to help them become strong in the face of temptation and able to resist the many messages of our consumeristic, materialistic society. It starts small: by building the ability to put off television in favor of studying, or play time in favor of multiplication tables, for instance. As children grow into their teen years, however, the stakes get higher, and the potential either for gain or loss becomes greater.
Prayer is our first, best resource to assist our children/students. However, since "the moral virtues are acquired by human effort" (CCC, #1804), young people can be guided through each situation with an eye toward their own spiritual development. With gentle, age-appropriate reminders like, "By finishing your chores before you play video games, you're learning how to be stronger than your desires. In your life, you're going to need that kind of strength!"
Let's raise spiritual heroes who possess the virtue of fortitude, not spiritual marshmallows!
After 15 years at St. Pius V, I've seen almost 900 young people graduate. I've been closely involved with their successes and their struggles. Observation of so many students has led me to the conclusion that one key to a child's success in school (and life) is perseverance. I Can't! At the Back-to-School Night parent meeting, my son's kindergarten teacher announced that a student asking for help with shoe-tying anytime after Christmas would be gently encouraged to complete the task on his or her own. In other words, as easy as Velcro is for my son (and by extension, his parents), it's time for my boy to man up and learn how to tie his shoes. Unfortunately, his patience is almost nonexistent. Within a minute of trying to make the initial loop, he gives up. When encouraged to continue, he breaks into tears, and claims, "I CAN'T!" He is no different that so many students I've seen over the years-- whether it be shoe-tying, prepositional phrases, or algebra. The goal is to see if an adult will rush to the rescue. After all, it's easier to get dad to tie the shoes than to learn to do it on his own. What kids often lack is perseverance. During childhood, the struggles requiring perseverance are often small: learning to tie shoes, dealing with an unkind student on the playground, or working through the multiplication tables. As adults, the struggles are deeper and more difficult. I CAN! I've seen adults suffering through cancer who persevere without complaint and without neglecting their responsibilities, believing that they'll beat the disease as long as they don't give up. I've seen adults struggling with the loss of a job who don't lose faith, trusting that they'll find something new as long as they keep trying. I've seen adults experiencing family problems who find the strength to bring their trials to prayer day in and day out, never ceasing to believe that their prayers will be answered. Personally, I greatly admire people who have the ability to persevere through a struggle. This is a quality I want my children and students to have, since I know their lives will entail some kind of struggle. Teaching Perseverance For children to learn perseverance, then, requires that children experience struggle and difficulty on a small scale. Learning to carry her own backpack, or to tie his shoes, or to memorize the multiplication tables, or even learning to deal with an unkind student on the playground-- these are necessary "classrooms" for the lessons of perseverance. What is required of parents and teachers who desire their children/students to learn never to give up in the face of difficulty?
Patience: It will take time to break children of the "I Can't!" habit.
Wisdom: Take the long view on the child's present struggles. Rushing to the rescue only stunts the child's growth.
Leadership: Break the task at hand into smaller, more manageable chunks. Say, "Today we're just going to try to make the first loop with your shoelaces and get really good at it! Maybe tomorrow we can try the next one."
Prayer: Often forgotten, but most important, prayer should be our first tactic when trying to help our children. Perseverance is closely linked to the virtue of fortitude, which is "firmness in difficulties and constancy in the pursuit of the good." (CCC, 1808) Virtues are gifts of the Holy Spirit, and that means prayer is our best hope.
